Mr. Right vs Mr. Right Now

I don't have a specific philosophy on what it takes to find that one true love but what I do have are GOALS. Remember those? Those things you are supposed to be using for all the other aspects of life?

I'm sure a lot of people disagree on this. I have a great number of friends that believe "the one" is going to somehow fall into their lap one day just as he's supposed to. What if we used that philosophy in other parts of our lives?

Say I'm ready for and want a new job. Instead of writing goals, making a game plan, and sending out resumes I sit at home and hope and wish and pray that this great new job will find me. Magically, some recruiter will just call me and offer me exactly what I'm looking for. Sounds silly right?

If I wouldn't take that approach to finding a new job, and would have a more serious plan and put some work into it, why should the search for Mr. Right be any different? There are tons and tons of studies showing that people who right down their goals are much more likely to achieve them. There is no reason why you can't treat Mr. Right like a goal either. It may even help you avoid continuing to date a whole group of Mr. Right Now's if you are able to sit down and write what it is you actually need and what you will not tolerate in a mate. Now I'm not suggesting you sit and write: I want to be married in two years, I want a husband and kid in three years, etc. Those are things that are out of your control as they depend on TWO people making a decision together. Let's focus on what you can control: your needs, wants, what you will and won't tolerate, and how you are going to put yourself out there to meet the kind of men you need.

Let's start with a "Must Have" and "Must Not Have" list. Lets keep this list to lifestyle and personality traits and leave unnecessary vanity at the door for now. If something is super important to you (ex. I work out most days of the week and have on my list that he must work out too. I'm not writing this for vanity, but it's my lifestyle and I want my match to have a similar lifestyle.) go ahead and include it, but I don't want to see "6' 4", tan, blonde hair, etc. on your list. Keep in mind that Mr. Average-Looking probably has a much better personality and is going to try harder to make you happier because, unlike, Mr. Hottie-with-a-body, has had to get by on personality and not looks.

I've included my personal lists here for an example:

My Necessity List

1. Monogamous
2. Wants children
3. Makes me his best friend
4. Strong work ethic: The guy that works hard generally is the same guy that will work hard on the relationship too.
5. Sense of humor: Must have a good sense of humor, and more importantly get mine
6. Sweet to me, but not afraid to stand up to me either
7. Works out: Doesn't need to have the perfect body, just needs to have an interest in staying in shape and living a long healthy life
8. Protector: I won't say a certain height or body type, but needs to be big and strong enough to make me feel protected.
9. Out going: I simply am not and more comfortable when my other half is.
10. Fun loving: pushes me to be more adventurous/relaxed about life
11. Puts me first
12. Complements me
13. Romantic
14. Is impressed/ proud of my accomplishments
15. Treats friends and family well
16. Decisive: Knows what he wants and go after it.
17. Independent: Better not be living off of mom and dad or looking for hand outs
18. Partner: not two individuals living under one roof

My Run For It List

1. Over use of drugs or alcohol
2. Puts me down in any way
3. Makes fun of any of my accomplishments
4. Makes me feel bad about mistakes I've made in the past
5. Over jealous
6. No direction in life (little boy syndrome)
7. Does not consider my opinions as important as his
8. Treats friends or family bad
9. Poor spending habits
10. Lack of similar morals
11. Cheats on me ever
12. Lying
13. Inattentive in public
14. Smokes
15. Racist
16. Sexist
17. Workaholic
18. Pushes me to do anything sexually or deviant that I'm not comfortable with.

In making the "Necessity List" I truly do believe I NEED those 18 things because of my own personal lifestyle, likes and dislikes, and I know how I want to live my life. I also believe if I have a man that meets those 18 requirements, the rest of the relationship will naturally fall into place because things not on that list are items I'm willing to compromise on. Be careful with things like "He must be Catholic". Must he really be Catholic, or is it just important to you that he will raise your kids Catholic, support your religion, go to your church, etc. Make sure you are getting to the root of your need and not just hitting a surface quality.

For me, my "run for it" list includes everything I view as a red flag item. If someone I'm on a date with or dating shows any of these behaviors or traits I "run for it". Maybe not the best way to break it off with someone…but their number is most likely out of my phone immediately. No matter how much I like the man, if he can't meet my "necessity" list, or does anything on the "run for it" list, I'm wasting my time with Mr. Right-Now again and could be spending my time better looking for Mr. Right. I always try to remember I only get one life on this earth, and I'm sure not wasting a second more of it on any Mr. Right-Now. I'll take single or Mr. Right, but I'm done with people that can't make me happy long term.

Once you create your list, don't be afraid to hang it on your bathroom mirror, or somewhere where you can look at it frequently. It should be something you come back and review, make sure you are staying on target for your goal of finding Mr. Right, and not wasting your time with another Mr. Right-Now.

Now that you have your end goal of finding Mr. Right and have put on paper who he is, its time to put yourself in the position to find him. Just as we talked about in the beginning, you wouldn't sit back and wait for Company XYZ to contact you if you wanted a new job, you would have to go look for the job. You can not sit at home and expect Mr. Right to magically call you as a wrong number and live happily ever after. If you want something you have to put yourself in the position to get it. Every time you put yourself out there you are increasing your odds of finding Mr. Right.

Now where are you going to look?

I swear I push dating sites like they actually pay me! I've dated through a few sites before and had a great experience. For me, I didn't find my Mr. Right that way; I was actually set up through a friend of a friend. However, I had a lot of fun dates, it helped me narrow down even more what qualities I really needed and really didn't want, and I think it helped calm my nerves on my first date with Mr. Right. By the time I found Mr. Right I had been on a lot of first dates, was comfortable with the first date, and definitely gave a better first impression than I think I normally would. I fit into the shy at first category, so being comfortable on an awkward first date setting was key!

I do have several friends who have long term relationships that have developed out of internet dating sites. It may or may not be the end of looking for you, but a healthy way to look at it is that its helping you narrow down your real "need" and "can't stand" qualities while getting you more and more comfortable in a first date setting. Thinking that way will take the pressure off. Then if you meet him you meet him, and if not there are tons of other ways and places to look too. The important part is not getting discouraged by one bad date and being able to keep your goal in mind and continuing to go after it.

I feel the need to put in a disclaimer to please be smart when going on a date with someone you've never met. Only agree to meet in a public place and make sure you have a friend that knows where you are supposed to be.

Do something new with a new group of people. Sign up for salsa classes, go to a rock wall gym, join some group that interests you, etc. One of the biggest obstacles can be expanding your network of friends and therefore the friends of friends and guys available to you. I personally enjoy having a small group of close friends over a large group of not as close friends, but expanding your horizon never hurts. Think of some things that interest you and then go find a group that does it. If you've never visited the site MeetUp.com, check it out. It is a site dedicated to locals trying to find other locals that are interested in the same groups. If you run you can find a running group, if you like to practice speaking in another language or playing chess, you can probably find a group in your area for those things too. May it be something you already do on your own or something new you'd like to try, mix it up. Even if Mr. Right doesn't happen to be in your new group, maybe you'll meet a new friend that introduces you to him later.

This one, for me, is the hardest! Ever notice the smaller group you are with the more likely a guy is to approach? Put yourself in the guy's shoes. Would you be more comfortable going up to a guy who is standing with 6 of his buddies or approaching a guy who is standing by himself? Yeah, me too, I don't want the other 6 guys listening to me try to say something smart to the one I've got my eye on. The potential for embarrassment just increases with the number of people around him. If it's something you are comfortable with - go by yourself. Go eat dinner at the bar area of a restaurant and bring a book or watch the game that's playing, go rock wall climbing by yourself; I'm sure you can think of a lot of other situations where this could possibly work for you. The goal is to be approachable and the less friends you have surrounding you the more likely the guy that wants to come up to you will muster up the courage to approach.

Ok this last one, you may roll your eyes at me, but don't shoot the messenger! I can be quite the nerd and, in working for myself, I end up reading a lot of marketing books. In Dan Ariely's book called "Predictably Irrational" Dan describes how people's decision making processes actually work.

First, let's start with, what is the one thing that gets a guy to initially approach you? (Yes, we both know you are witty and fabulous, but he doesn't know that yet.) Like it or not - it's looks. Don't get mad- it's the same way you do your initial shopping! Now, why does he pick you instead of your friend next to you to approach? Right, he finds you more attractive. Based on the way humans make choices on these types of things, Dan found we can actually play with the decision making process.

Have you ever noticed when a group of guys walk into the room you quickly compare them all and decide which one is most attractive? We compare them by rating similar features and deciding which one is better. The more similar the features the easier we are able to compare and decide which one is better. Kind of like how it is easier to say one orange is better than another orange, but its hard to say if an orange is better than a stapler. They are two vastly different things which make it hard for us to compare them. Just like it's hard to say if the hot blonde is more attractive than the hot brunette. They are both very attractive but just very different. HOWEVER if we have two blond women, about the same stature, similar builds, its easier to key in on features and make a decision on "which one is more attractive". That was a long explanation just to say take one friend out with you that looks just like you but not quite as attractive. By being compared to someone that looks like you but not quite as attractive it actually makes you look MORE attractive. …I hope you're laughing, because this was a real study, but it's pretty funny how the human brain works! Oh, and you may not want to tell your girlfriend that's why you wanted her to come.

Stop saying no to the nice guy that you can tell is super nervous approaching you. Stop dating only the guy with the great first impression. Mr. Smooth, Mr. Hottie, and Mr. Cool often give the best first impressions, but how many times have you dated one of those guys only to find out he wasn't the best boyfriend? Mr. Average, Mr. Nervous, Mr. Shy-At-First may really like you and treat you very well!!!

I have a rule. If the thought of kissing him doesn't creep me out (doesn't mean I WANT to kiss him yet - I'm just not creeped out by him), he seems to have a brain, and be a decent person, I accept the first date. On the first date, as long as he doesn't creep me out or show some red flag behavior he gets a second date. Men and women can often be so nervous on the initial asking out and first date that we don't get an accurate depiction of who they really are. If he takes you out drinking and tells you he does this four times a week and you aren't much of a drinker - ok no second date. Just don't close the door right away because the first date was a little awkward or you were on the fence if this was someone you'd consider kissing. Feelings can grow and nervousness will go away.

The vast majority of us all want the same thing, to find Mr. Right, keep Mr. Right, and stop dating all the Mr. Right-Nows. I hope, at the very least, by writing down who he is and isn't in a "Necessity" and "Run For it" list you can keep your eyes more firmly planted on your goal. For me, this is why I created the "Hear my Heels" bracelet. It serves as a great daily reminder that I'm walking away, with my head held high, from all the Mr. Right-Nows. If I didn't have that reminder, if I didn't walk away from all the Mr. Right-Nows, I may still be wasting my time with one of them and wouldn't have found my Mr. Right.

Every one of you deserves to find him. It's your life, these are your choices, go make what you want a reality and don't give up until it is. You are going to hit bumps, you are going to meet toads and sometimes you are going to get your heart broken. All of these things teach you lessons you need and help you grow stronger if you let them. Keep your reminders up of the life you want. Keep reaching for it and never, never, never, never give up. He IS out there…you may not even believe that until you find him…but he is.

Hear my Heels ~ The sound of you walking away, smiling, towards something better. I am the owner of Hear my Heels. Hear my Heels creates products for anyone who has found or looking to find the strength to go after everything they deserve in life. We donate 20% of our profits to domestic abuse charities. No man, woman, or child deserves to suffer at the hands of an abuser and it is our mission to remind everyone of their value, strength, and self worth.

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